18 January 2008

SUPER LONG POST AHEAD!!

Like I said before, after my declare of love to mushrooms in the previous post, I'll become the miserable old me again, and it can't be any more truer. Say hello to the unhappy me again, thanks to my mum.

I'm getting a tad bit fed up with my mum and her ways.

Actually the "tad bit" bit is a lie, because she's much worse than "a tad bit", and I can't stand it anymore. Much as I hate to say it, I really can't help hating her sometimes. I was so angry just now I even .....

Okay, I didn't do anything mad like scold her right in the face, I'm not that disrespectful yet, she IS my mum and I love her, and even if I am that disrespectful, I won't have the guts to do something like that, because if I do I'd probably be sleeping on the sidewalks for the rest of my life, alone with my insect magnetism*.

*Insects really love me, I think. Always, bees buzz around me, moths love to fly past my ears, flies love to eat my food, mosquitoes love my blood (it RHYMES!!), and one time some insect even flew straight into my mouth. Uggh.)

I really need to confide in someone. Someone who will understand my feelings. I can't very well tell my problems to my mum, can I, when almost all of her replies are scoldings?? Maybe she's not even scolding, she just sounded really rude, and her voice is really loud, and I mean REALLY loud (even louder than mine), and she sounds exactly like she's gonna chop off my head with her stupid bread knife or something.

I was going to take photos at school, the individual student photo, whatever it's called, and the photographer said that my fringe is too long, so I have to cut it short, THEN I can take the photos. Well, I admit that my fringe IS very long, and the sides too short, and ... what the fuck, I'm back to the stupid hair cut issue (click) again. Damn. Thinking about it makes me squirm with anger.

*shakes head wildly*

I'm not going to remember that stupid fucking day when I almost pulled my hair off in desperation. Damn. I wish I can have fucking hair extensions. =(

Anyway, so, I have to cut my fringe, and I dreaded telling my mum about it for the whole day at school. I know she'll say something sharp and extremely blunt, she always does. And no matter what, it's always my fault.

Not for only once, when we are going to school, and we were already ready for ages, it's HER who was late, because she has to put on make up (to school??! What the hell.), dress up nicely. Then she sounded like she was blaming us. Asking us to hurry up when it's her who was the slow one.

Why??? Why must she always blame us when it's not even our faults??

And THAT always makes me do things in secret, sneak in, sneak out like a thief, worrying about whether if I'll get caught by my mum, grounded for life (not that I can actually go out before, I'm already and always "grounded" for eternity) and killed by a brick she aimed at my head.

Time for some confessions.

I have to get my hair cut myself, secretly. I mean, hair cut, no big deal, but it's my MOM I'm talking about. She doesn't let me go out even with 4 or 5 of my friends, let alone by myself. Said that I might get kidnapped or raped or something. I know she probably cares about us very much, but ... sometimes it's just very trying. It isn't exactly fun to watch your friends all go out and play and you're like, stuck at home, thinking about what they're doing, how much fun they're having. Since she doesn't let me go out, obviously I'm not allowed to get my hair cut with my friends too. And she scolds when I told her I need a hair cut. Why must I bear with all those shit when it's not even my fault that my hair grew so fast?? When our school made so stupid rules like having only 5 cm long hair below your earlobes?? Or maybe my mum wants me to have a hair cut that can last for a whole year at school without having to go for a fucking hair cut ever again.

So I sneak out to get my hair cut with my friends, without her knowing. Or maybe she knows. *shrugs*

I went out with my friends, secretly. I'm not proud of this, but like I said it's really very mood-dampening when you're left out of all your friends' activities. My friends had went out without me lots of times, and I don't really mind that much at first, but sometimes I couldn't help but feel very alone. I mean, my mum doesn't even let me go out OCCASIONALLY. Not even once in a year, unless ...

"There must be an adult with you BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

Fuck it. I don't see the difference. She allows us to go out if there's an adult, even if you and the adult are walking different ways. What's the difference between walking different ways with the adult and without the adult?? It's the same. Maybe she thinks that the adult can come to our aid when we're in trouble. It's true, but can someone help?? I don't have a cell phone, I can't even call anybody even if was in trouble.

So, I sneaked out, and even lied to my parents that I'm going to my friend's house, celebrating a birthday, something like that. Little white lies, only they're not exactly little. I feel seriously uncool and guilty for lying, but ... sometimes I just can't help it. If I ask my parents if I can go out with my friends, the answer every time is no way, I said no way, can you understand the word no way??

I can't.

No way means ... yes??

*sigh*

I have to blame part of all this on all the fucking rapers, kidnappers, robbers, and stupid people. I've said this thousands of times in my previous posts, so I won't waste my breathe for these stupid people again.

Okay, back to the tell-my-mum-about-my-hair story. So I braved myself and told her. Predictably, I got scolded. "Lectured" at. I told her first thing after I reached home. And she said, it's your fault what (yeah, it's my fault. Err, actually, how come it's my fault??), you yourself don't want to cut it shorter, I ask you to cut (SHE DID MEH!?? I DON'T THINK SHE APPEARED ON THE SCENE OF MY FUCKING UNFORTUNATE HAIR CUT, SHE DROPPED US THERE ONLY) it shorter, you don't want to, your problem lor.

You think I want to have hair like that???!?! You think I fucking ASKED for hair like that?? Hello, it's my hair, I very well can feel how long my hair is, and how it make my eyes uncomfortable. I asked the damned person to cut my fringe short and the sides, don't even touch a single fucking strand and she did the total opposite. (I know I've said this thousands of times too but I can't help it, I need to release my "re-flamed" anger) Either she's plain stupid, or she's plain stupid.

*takes a deep breathe*

So I told my mum I didn't ask for so long fringes, and then she started to say that I never did cut my hair short in the early days.

See, I'm blamed again. Blame it on the fucking person who cut my hair lar, why is it my fault?? The person mistook my meaning and cut my sides short instead of the front, such a stupid mistake, that do I even dare to tell her that my fringe is way too long?? I'd probably don't have any hair left if I did. Now that's a scary thought. Since she's an apprentice, she might make my hair uneven (actually she DID), so she has to cut it shorter again, and oh no, still uneven, and repeat the same thing until I have no hair left for her to ruin.

My mum said it was my problem that my hair was so long. FINE. My problem. So let me fucking go out and get my own fucking hair cut by myself without you since you're so busy to even take me out for a hair cut at someplace else, can or not??

Cannot is the answer. I didn't actually asked but I knew the answer without asking.

Tomorrow is Saturday and we all need to go to school, so I'd probably wouldn't have the time to have my hair cut, because the shop opposite school was closed due to some renovation (I think so, I never bothered to find out), so there's really nowhere else I can go without having to walk some distance (and without my mum finding out). My friends asked me to go out tomorrow afternoon after school, and I'd probably couldn't because of my parents unless if I lied again, which is something I don't want to do. If I went out with my friends then I can get my hair cut, if I don't, then I can't. But I can't go out, which means I can't get my hair cut.

=(

It's seriously complicated and I don't know what to do.

And back to the confide in someone thing. Besides my mother, I can't tell my father either, because he'd probably scold me too, since he has a really HOT temper. If he's really angry you'd get shooed out of the house for the whole damned night.

And no way I'm telling my sister. She's the same bred with my mum.

And I already told most of my friends (sorry for boring you all), but I don't know, I don't seem to be able to stop thinking about it, and be happy and ... just empty, without all these stupid stuff to think and cry over about.

I was so desperate, you know what I did?? I actually talked and whispered to a soft toy called MoMo. At least she listened and never scolded me like everyone else.

Oh, and of course I can confide all my thoughts to my dear blog. Thanks for listening, I love you.

=(

And I really can't stop thinking about how my mum always says that I'm so rude. Even if I am. Actually, I am, but what about her?? She's not really different, really. Sometimes I just flare up quickly because of something someone said, but so does everyone else. You can't help it, can you?? Sometimes you can't really control your feelings that well, can you?? It's not easy. Especially when you're with someone like my mom who talks so sharply and rudely every time. It's hard to even TRY to be nice. I told my mum nicely about my fringe, and all I got were those loud and blunt replies. Of course I flared up. I take after all of their hot tempers. I can't seem to be able to talk that nicely to someone who doesn't talk nicely to me.

(And my parents feel the same. SO WHY CAN'T THEY BE NICER TO ME SO I CAN TRY TO BE NICE?? I know sometimes I was really annoyed and irritated, I was much ruder than I thought, and of course they got angry. My fault this time, I know, and sorry, but normally people wouldn't lose their tempers until such a point, until they want you to leave the house.)

But I tried to be nice, honestly. I know I sound like some stupid proud person who's talking about how good I have been, but whatever. I know I always got scolded when I flared up, even if it is just a "minor" flare-up, so I tried to control my temper. And did they even TRY to control theirs?? I know they're my parents but that doesn't mean that they can lose their tempers over us all the time.

Whatever.

If I'm not careful I'm going to love school more than I love home. Today, even though I have absolutely zero reason to stay back at school for the afternoon, I did. Even when I'm so fucking tired and couldn't even open my eyes properly. Even when my legs were so tired they felt like jelly. Even if I'm sick. I'd rather be with my friends, at least they can save me from all those stupid crap.

*sigh*

I am very miserable.

AND I'm sick. Sore throat. Slight fever. Runny nose. Can someone just kill me?? *sobs desperately* I'm really lonely. Can someone get me a robot play mate that I can talk to?? I need it a lot. You might think that having siblings means you're not lonely. You're wrong. You have play mates, homework mates and all that, but we don't even really know about each other, can't even confide in each other even though we ARE siblings. They might think you're a crazy sister just because you have so many problems. They might think that what you did is something bad even when it's not. They might even tell your secrets to your parents.

*sobs even more desperately*

AND I'm overtired. Slept at around 2 o'clock last night and woke up at around 6 o'clock this morning. I have to blame this on myself, though, because I did my homework at the last minute.

Illness and overtired-ness is not a good combination.

*

Oh and I totally forgot to say that, nice as my mother is for helping me with my Art work ... Guess what?? She kind of scolded me again. She scolded me for not doing it properly. How can I help it?? I already said my painting sucks days before I did the Art work, that I have zero skills in painting, and I was so tired at the time. She said that I should have done this (in a SHARP, BLUNT and BLAMING-ME way, DUH) like that. I appreciate her teachings, but can she just say it in a nice way, like a teacher?? (She is a teacher by the way) She's like, yelling at you lor. How am I supposed to know I should do it that way?? I'm not a mind reader. She didn't told me earlier, and after I painted it on, THEN she scolded that I should do it that way.

:(

Well, I guess I'll have to think it some other way. Maybe her way of talking is like scoldings to me. But I find that hard to believe. My father's friend is now at my house, and the way she's talking to him is so NORMAL. Just so ... normal.

*shakes head*

I'm very tired.

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