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THE MUSHROOM



name : tan juan
age : 18
hometown : malaysia


PIECES OF ME

LOVES

MUSHROOMS
shopping
drawing
TURQUOISE
MUSIC
rainbows
chocolates
chinese orchestra
fairy tales

HATES

CICAK WTF
creepy crawlies
homework
COPY CATS
chinese




GREAT ESCAPES

*chelsea*
*chia chia*
*crystal*
*ee leng*
*ee teng*
*jhing huey*
*jia lee*
*jo ying*
*jun fang*
*lee mei*
*mok mok*
*ning zhen*
*pei jia*
*pei qi*
*rui mei*
*su yin*
*teik hua*
*tict chyn*
*wen huey*
*wen yuan*
*xin yuan*
*xue yi*
*yi ching*





MEMOIRS

♥January 2007
♥February 2007
♥March 2007
♥April 2007
♥May 2007
♥June 2007
♥July 2007
♥August 2007
♥September 2007
♥October 2007
♥November 2007
♥December 2007
♥January 2008
♥February 2008
♥March 2008
♥April 2008
♥May 2008
♥June 2008
♥July 2008
♥August 2008
♥September 2008
♥October 2008
♥November 2008
♥December 2008
♥January 2009
♥February 2009
♥March 2009
♥April 2009
♥May 2009
♥June 2009
♥July 2009
♥August 2009
♥September 2009
♥October 2009
♥November 2009
♥December 2009
♥January 2010
♥February 2010
♥March 2010
♥April 2010
♥May 2010
♥June 2010
♥July 2010
♥August 2010
♥September 2010
♥October 2010
♥November 2010
♥December 2010
♥January 2011
♥February 2011
♥March 2011
♥April 2011
♥June 2011
♥July 2011
♥August 2011
♥September 2011
♥October 2011
♥November 2011
♥January 2012
♥October 2012



THANKS TO

ME. kynzgerl
CODES. manikka
BRUSHES. 1 2
IMAGES. 1 2
The 2 paper heart: moargh.de
♥ Sunday, August 30, 2009 ♥
Heart of Glass

30 August 2009

I can actually sympathize with him now.

Not daring to say too much, even things that have to be said, for fear of breaking a person's heart.

Why are all hearts so fragile, so easily wounded, so easily crushed into pieces?

I'm smiling, but my insides are slowly falling apart. And I still can't say anything. I need a distraction, but what?

My holidays (assuming that it only started on Monday and the last weekend wasn't included) have been nothing but rotten. Sick for a few days. School. Stayed back in school until 4. School again. Shopped for a certain present with Su Yin, a queasy stomach, blisters all over my feet, and thoughts about the gloomy weather outside. Got wet. Again.

It really is a wonder I'm still alive, and not sicker than ever.

Talking about my lousy holidays are a distraction, but not distracting enough to make me forget that scene. No. This sucks. I think only a brainwash would suffice. Hopefully I get to move to some other country, settle down there and start a new life.

I want to wrap the present. But I have no UHU. I want to sleep. But I already did for the whole morning. I want to go downstairs. But I can't, because my sister and her friends (almost 10 people. The horror.) are downstairs, having their Chemistry tuition with my dad's genius of a friend as the tutor. I'm terrified I'd get forced to sit there and listen too. I can't even go downstairs to get a SWEET.

So I'm stuck up here. With that image in my mind. Fucking thing. Yes. I have been through a phase like this before. Last year, when the end-of-year holidays started. I still remember.

I finally met up with Rui Mei yesterday! A fleeting, happy moment. Cracked up like maniacs last night. Haha. Long story.

We went to watch Ning Zhen's ballet concert. It was a terrific success! :)

The spotlights and props (MUSHROOMS!) were fantastic. So were the costumes! But found out that I really don't understand ballet. They all look the same to me. Hahaha. But great job, Ning Zhen and Ning Hui! And Eunice!

Had to miss the Traffic Farewell to attend the concert, but quite honestly I'd much rather miss the farewell than Ning Zhen's concert, which I already paid for. Ha-ha. Sorry.

Sigggh. School is reopening in two days. Two fricking days. I haven't done my homework. I haven't made plans to do my homework. What to do, what to do.

NOOOOOOO. I want to hit something. I have to hit something. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


craving chocolate kisses ..
3:12 PM


♥ Wednesday, August 26, 2009 ♥
I'll Miss You

26 August 2009

The performance was a success! :)

It was easily one of the happiest nights I have ever had.

Except for THAT part. But why let that one, small part ruin everything? It's just not worth it.

I will try to update soon. I have actually finished editing all the photos, I just don't feel like posting them up in this blog yet.

I'm waiting. Until I'm ready to loosen my grasp on this precious piece of memory. Until something else happens to take my mind off the performance. Honestly, the performance and the PERSON were all I could think about these past few days.

That day was probably my last time performing with the Form 5 seniors, as they will be graduating and sitting for the exams soon.

Een Joe. I am going to miss you the most. :(

I will forever remember how you bought an .. object which resembles a flower pot, and later used it as a bowl for eating noodles. And how you dragged the comforter from your room to ours.

It's a miserable thought, that in the future you all won't be there anymore. After you leave, the usual places you sit will be occupied by somebody else, somebody unfamiliar, somebody I don't know. Things won't be the same anymore.

It's pretty obvious how things are going to be from the look of things today. Everything seemed different. And really, I mean everything.

I can't wait till PMR is over. I'm not a candidate for the exam but I am, along with the rest of the Form 3 people, wishing that it will be over soon.

Sigh.

December 2008. Cherished moments.

Time moved in such an inexplicably quick manner during those three (or was it four, I can't even remember, it all felt like the same day) days. Why? Why couldn't it have moved slower? I wouldn't have minded staying that way forever.

Far away from all my worries. Far away from all the befuddling, perturbing thoughts I am currently torturing myself with. I can't stop it. Why can't my brain just shut up and leave me in peace?

Personally I wouldn't have minded it if time stopped THAT day, at that exact moment either. Sigh. SIGH. Why do all good things come to an end? I know. Same question, no answer. What. Because life has never been fair, and never will be?

I'll miss you. I already am.

Oh yeah, haters! You'll be glad to know that I'm sick again! Fever. I feel hot and cold. My neck and forehead feels too hot. My toes and fingers are literally freezing. Even when I'm wrapped in my thick, comfy duvet. Even when my fan isn't turned on. Even when I'm wearing a jacket.

I have eaten 6 Panadols in two days, and I'm going to eat 2 more soon, because I can feel all the heat creeping up my neck again. It is such an unpleasant, horrible feeling. I can't stand it. I know eating too many Panadols is bad for one's health but what can I do?

I have been wasting precious time lying on my bed for almost three afternoons straight, tossing and turning, trying to sleep, but unable to. Why? Because it's either too cold. Or too hot. And maybe it's because I just don't feel like sleeping anymore after sleeping for such a long, looooong time.

(always awoken, by not a kiss from a handsome prince but the sweltering heat instead, how romantic is that?)

Blarrgh. I basically can't do anything except sigh, groan, touch my forehead, then my neck, sigh again, feel frustrated ... IF I don't eat Panadols, that is.

But. It's not like I'm going to do my Chinese essay even if I'm not sick. Haha. I don't think I'm making much sense. Where did the Chinese essay come from? That's right! Nowhere! Hohoho. HOT. It's hot.

You know, this is totally ludicrous!!! (okay, it's not) Because the essay is about fires! And I'm being burned by one. An invisible one. Alive. Hahahahaa. Die me.

If I don't die because of the fever, I'm going to die because I ate too many Panadols.

Say goodbye to me, people! Een Joe! x)


craving chocolate kisses ..
10:35 PM


♥ Sunday, August 23, 2009 ♥
Wish Us Luck!

23 August 2009

Today is the day of the performance!

I am feeling strangely calm right now. Whoo. Nah, a few hours later I will start to wail and groan and feel stressed.

Anyway, wish us luck! MOK! JIA YI! WAN!

WE ALL CAN DO IT! :)

Sorry, Lee Mei, for stealing your harvest from Barn Buddy! HAHA.

I'm going to take a lot of photos, if possible! (means, IF I DON'T FREAK OUT LATER)


craving chocolate kisses ..
10:25 AM


♥ Monday, August 17, 2009 ♥
I'm Back

17 August 2009

I'm back to normal. Yay me.

I care too much.


craving chocolate kisses ..
9:56 PM


♥ Sunday, August 16, 2009 ♥
I Shall Call Yesterday ....

16 August 2009

SUPER long post ahead!! Photos somewhere in the middle.

SHUYAN DAY!!

Because, uh, Fate ... brought the two of us together many times yesterday!! Okay. Wrong usage. But you get the picture.

It was our school's annual cross country run yesterday. Allegedly, everyone's attendance was compulsory. But a simple letter from your parents stating that you were having some sort of (so-called) sickness was all one needed to get out of the run. Yes, you don't even need MCs. *rolls eyes*

And predictably, Rui Mei was absent! Same reason (kind of) for why she was absent during the last day of the test. Hahaha.

So, we started running (fine, in Iris' and my case : dragging our heavy butts) at around 8.15 a.m.

Almost died climbing the horrendously steep hill, but we made it in the end! Haha.

Left marks on the hill. You know, like how a dog leaves a mark on people's cars by lifting their legs and peeing. But instead of urine, I left trails of perspire. I know it sounds revolting.

Wait, what am I saying? It WAS revolting. I didn't bring along a towel, and I was too exhausted to even swipe the perspiration with my hands. Besides, it'd be equally repulsive, using my hands. Fine, FINE. The "too exhausted to swipe the perspiration" part was exaggerated. I reckon I'd have passed out if that was the case. =_=

Like I told Iris, from the ten things that come out my mouth, only one of them is true and the other nine are either completely false or slightly modified from the actual truth. HAHAHA. Sorry.

Anyway, I kept seeing Shuyan everywhere! And I mean EVERYWHERE. On the school field before the run started, several times during our journey toward the Botanical Garden, on almost every single bend of the hill, around every corner of the school ...

And that wasn't all. In the afternoon, I went to Queensbay with Jit Nee and Jun Fang.

AND I MET HER AGAIN! I just finished my dinner at Sushi King (typical of me, I know). She was the one who first introduced the edamame (green soybeans) to me the last time I went to Queensbay, with Yi Ling and Chiew Na. We had so much fun popping those beans and dropping them everywhere! *reminiscent smile*

As you can see, the beans play a significant role in our friendship! Haaaa.

So, naturally, I told her I just ate the edamame at Sushi King, and she said SHE was going to go there too! Fateful or what??

I walked around with Jit Nee and my mom (whom I met after dinner) for a while, and when we came out of a shop, I saw her again! I couldn't stop grinning. I had been saying "Oh, it's YOU again!!" to her since morning, and I never dreamed that I'd still be saying it at night.

I felt (feel) freaking happy!! :D

And here are the photos I took with Jun Fang and Jit Nee yesterday! Yeah, with the new camera! Like my previous Canon Ixus camera, sometimes the photos turn out blurry and darker than it actually is, but as usual, it is either because of my lousy hand which has a tendency to shake too violently when it comes to taking self-shots, or because of the slightly-darker lighting in some places.


Jun Fang & I

Okay, I have no idea why my posture was like that.

And I also have no idea why my face looked so dumb and ... drugged in the photo. Eeek.

Too much caffeine, probably. Hahaha.






Jit Nee, Jun Fang & I

I totally posted the last photo for Jit Nee's benefit! I look so horrible, like I am snarling, baring my teeth like a .... a werewolf, preparing to attack someone. Rawrr.

Actually. The first photo is equally horrible. And so is the second photo, except that I look like I'm enduring a serious case of constipation or something instead of getting ready to ambush someone.

I guess yesterday wasn't one of my best days for taking photos. Boooo.



Helping Jit Nee with her dress hunt for some YE event! The dress is gorgeous! But not as stunning as the other one I tried on (but have no money to buy). Blarrgh. I'm dead broke right now.

I don't know where all my money went, but I just know the last of my money were spent on a pair of coloured contact lenses. Photos of it at the bottom.



Jit Nee looks like a stick-insect!

The purple dress is way nicer than the black one and you know what purple is like! REGALITY! But I am not a stick-insect (in a harsher tone : I am too fat), and I didn't want to wait for the saleswoman to get the size I wanted, so I just tried the black one on.

And oh, please ignore Jun Fang's socks!

HAHA she's going to slap me. No, nooo. You still would have noticed her socks even if I kept quiet, right? RIGHT???







Eh, I tell you! It was NOT an easy task, holding a piece of sushi with a pair of chopsticks in one hand (left hand, no less!), and holding the camera in the other! Those who know me know how much of a klutz I am when it comes to chopsticks! I just keep dropping stuff (arrgh noodles, ESPECIALLY STUPID NOODLES) while using chopsticks.

And I'm CHINESE!! Haaaa. This is kind of mortifying. A chinese who doesn't know how to use chopsticks and who detests (and sucks at) the language! The horror!

Okay. The hand wasn't mine!! Gotcha, didn't I!? DIDN'T I? *threatening glare* It was Jit Nee's hand!! Ha-ha.

Wow. I am acting in a very peculiar manner. Must be from all the excess sweating yesterday. Lost a piece of my mind along with the perspiration.







Nehhhh the photos are damn clear aren't they? All our flaws (tiny blemishes, zits, etc) can be seen so easily! Before I edit the photos lah, that is.



This, is Jun Fang's sauce plate. Disgusting eh. HAHAHA.



And this is Jit Nee's. Even worse than Jun Fang's! It is positively nauseating!! Eeew. Note that a ... bunch of snot-like wasabi had launched itself out of her sauce plate (because it was too nasty inside) and onto the table. And look at all the fish roe on the table!

There you go. Cons of being a stick-insect. No strength to hold chopsticks. HAHAHA. Just kidding. Damn. What IS wrong with me?



And this is mine! For someone who doesn't know how to use chopsticks PROPERLY, this is a fantastic achievement! Whoooo!

AND .....



BEHOLD! MY NEW COLOURED LENSES!!!





Seeee? The effect of wearing coloured lenses! I instantly look prettier, nicer, less dumb, cuter, taller, thinner, tanner .... (okay, the last three don't count)

I tried doing my best (HIDEOUS) stoned expression while wearing the contacts, but I still look fine. Magic. Pure magic. Haahaha.

Played with makeup this morning. There. Told you I am not feeling normal. Who plays with makeup during mornings? Definitely not me. Not the normal me anyway.





MY EYES (EYE) LOOK SO MESMERIZING! Awful eyebags and dark eye circles aside, that is. Artificial, but still nice nonetheless.

Whoooo.

************

Like this post isn't long enough ...

Friday.

A day I will never, ever forget. For so many things. ;)

I still feel very stunned! Strange feeling.

I had a fight with HER. I am still convinced that it was all her fault. Okay, I might have sounded a bit too ... impatient, but SHE was the one who raised her voice at me first. It was totally uncalled-for!

I tried to talk nicely to her, to prevent things from getting too bad, but I might as well have screamed at her, and I'd still get the same treatment. I don't know what the hell is wrong with her, and I don't think I want to know.

Yes, I gave her the middle finger, but she didn't see it. I still don't know whether that is considered as good, or bad. But X saw it. And she told Jun Fang about it. But it's Jun Fang lah. Like she doesn't already know that I am a vulgar person.

I think I scolded "fuck" (loudly) about a million times too, but I doubt she heard it. Or maybe she did hear it but like the perfect goody-goody she is, she doesn't know what it means. Pretty unlikely, yeah.

OH! Juan Wen fell down yesterday! :(

And Iris and I were so mean. For a piece of useless certificate, we left her there alone for the St. John members to tend to. CRUEL. MEAN. INCONSIDERATE. DISLOYAL.

Uggh.

I was worse than Iris. Because FOR THE CERTIFICATE, I left HER alone. I was one of the last few people to get the (again, useless) notebook. Which means that I was one of the first 300 people (albeit the LAST FEW out of the 300) to reach school. But so what? I WAS SO BAD BAD BAD.

LOUSY. LOUSY PERSON! I apologized to the both of them (in my typically casual way, so I don't know if they took it seriously or not), and Juan Wen said it was okay! Wheee. :)

I know, I don't even SOUND serious.

Sigh. But still. FRIDAY!

Okay. Time for dinner. Byeeee! I think I won't post anything for a long time. Maybe. Since this post is so long and all. MAYBE.

P.S./ I love the song Fallin' Apart by AAR! ;) The starting of the song reminds me of something from The Sims!



craving chocolate kisses ..
4:53 PM


♥ Wednesday, August 12, 2009 ♥
Cherry Red

12 August 2009

I love what Leighton Meester wore for the Teen Choice Awards!





I don't particularly LOVE her dress, but she looked fabulous in it, and the combination of the dress and the shoes were just pure awesome!!!

I LOVE HER SHOES. Makes me think of lollipops, cherries, ribbons, lipstick ...

Arrgh. I want her shoes. Why don't they make more shoes like that here! Whooo.

And I want Blake's legs!

Hahaha. Sorry. Feeling unlike myself today. I can't help thinking about something. :)

11 days till the concert. Damn. Insufficient time. It's gonna be exhausting. Or maybe not, seeing that I am still going through Rui Mei's-Laziness Phase. When can I finally get out of it? Booo.



craving chocolate kisses ..
10:14 PM


♥ Sunday, August 09, 2009 ♥
New Love ♥

9 August 2009

I just deleted the "Fuck You" post. Hahaha. It was a sentimental, spur-of-the-moment thing. I was far too pissed just now. I still am, as a matter of fact. But who cares.

So, as much as I love my old camera (haha, yeah, before it turned lousy), there has to be a time to finally let it go. Just like some things in life. If it's not meant to be, then just let it go and move on. At least it's better than wasting time mourning over how awful everything turned out to be.

(I know how to say it. I just don't know how to achieve it. It sucks.)

Anyway, here's my gorgeous new camera!!

Okay, fine. So it's not technically mine, I just assume it is because my mom lets me keep it and everything, and I really am the only one who uses it anyway. I doubt that my sister will borrow it from me, because she will be using the old camera once it is fixed!!

Hahaha. This almost makes up for her having a laptop and me not. ALMOST.






Canon IXUS 110 IS

It's such a nice shade of silvery pink! So sleek and shiny. Yum. AND THERE'S TURQUOISE!! On the buttons! *passes out*

(Photos taken with lousy old camera.)

The camera's a tad hard to get used to at first, because there aren't a lot of buttons. You just have to experiment with it yourself. Or you could read the thick ass user's guide. It's actually pretty simple to use once you get the hang of it.

It takes awesome photos, so far! :)

AND there's this fantastic function called blink detection! So impressive! Even though I don't know what it is!

Uh, honestly, I WAS going to upload the (damn. Not this sentence again. Sorry.) photos I took with the new camera. But I haven't installed the program yet, and the stupid memory card reader is malfunctioning. So, no photos.

ARRGH I promise I will upload my photos soon. No way am I going to break my promise this time. I am NOT like that. I am not. I am not a person who breaks promises. I am NOT a person who - *continues muttering*





craving chocolate kisses ..
7:19 PM


♥ Saturday, August 08, 2009 ♥
Puzzled

8 August 2009

UPDATE : (yeah I know I just posted this entry around two hours ago) I am literally swooning over Gaspard Ulliel! HIS ACCENT! *faints* How can there be such a heart wrenchingly stunning guy on Earth? HOW?!? Right, I'm going to continue being a pervert and watch all his videos on YouTube. I loveeee his English.

Damn. I just realised that I forgot to eat my lunch!

Haha. That's got to be a first! Me! Forget my lunch! *snort*

(*gasp* I think I am finally losing my gluttonous habits! Yes!)

Fine. Maybe not.

Anyway, I'm in a very confused state of mind now. Yeah, my old friend Paranoia is back to haunt me again! I was lucky enough to escape from all the disturbing thoughts in my mind for a few weeks. But now, the horrid thoughts are back. And even worse than before.

I feel horrible. Who could be THAT calculating? Okay, I think I myself did things like that before, but I have always been a lousy person. She isn't! She's such a nice person, I (half) refuse to believe she would do a thing like that. But why else would she do it then? Uggh.

This implies two things. And neither of them is good. Sheesh. Stupid thing. I wish it never happened. I (half) wish I am just an insignificant person, standing some distance away, watching everything intently, but not actually involved in it.

But. BUT. There's just that little something that nobody knows. Something I know, that I can't tell. Eeek. I think I have to start talking to my pillows and soft toys. Ahem. They will (appear to) listen attentively, will let you hug them for comfort, will let you ... uh, hit them when you are pissed ...

Hahahaha. Retarded much? xD

**********

Honestly, I swear I was going to post up the Genting photos. I was editing them, but the photos all turned out so hideous, thanks to my recently-turned-lousy camera, so I changed my mind. I'll probably wait until my cousins send me the photos from the other camera.

Boooo.

Hopefully I can get a new camera tonight at the PC Fair! Whooo. I think I'll stick to Canon Ixus. (if I get to make the decision, that is) I have never used the Sony Cybershots before, so I don't know if they are good enough. Our current camera, before it turned lousy, is awesome!

Sigh, I don't know. I hope I get to choose the camera! Of course my parents have to approve, but still. It's not like THEY use the camera anyway. I am the one who uses it the most, and my sister occasionally (a very, very rare occasionally).

Sooo. I'm going to .... laze around, waste time, rest, sleep, and oh my God I still haven't eaten my lunch. Actually, it's tea time now. Yeah, I took that long to post this entry up. BECAUSE I WAS PLANNING TO UPLOAD THE PHOTOS. Blarrgh.

My fever has taken a turn for the better (at least that's what I think, who am I to actually be 100% sure?), my coughing is slightly better, my throat still tickles, my cold has subsided ...

P.S./ I love the song I Quit I Quit I Quit by The Click Five!! :) Catchy song.





craving chocolate kisses ..
2:28 PM


♥ Thursday, August 06, 2009 ♥
Whooooooo

6 August 2009

"Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it." ~ When I Grow Up, Pussycat Dolls.

Yes, I officially announce that :

I AM SICK!!

Remember how I wrote that I hope I'd come back from Genting sick and miss the first day (or all of them) of the exam? Well, I am sick, but I didn't miss a single paper. Damn.

I'm not sure what kind of sickness this is, but I'm fervently hoping it's nothing more than just a normal fever, along with coughs, a sore throat, splitting headache, stiff neck, stomach-aches (I think it's gastric, but HOW CAN I BE SURE THAT IT IS GASTRIC AND NOT SOMETHING MORE SERIOUS?) ...

Right. No. It IS just a normal fever! Nothing more!

Apparently my cousin who went to the Genting THEME PARK with me is sick too. Ha-ha. No. It's just a coincidence! For your information, my parents and my two other cousins who did not go to the theme park are perfectly fine.

Damn. I'll admit it, I'm scared. Arrrgh. And now I'm worried, because my friends are feeling sort of sick too. Noooo. I hope I am not the cause of their sickness. :(

Oh, by the way, the test is over! No feelings. I used to feel so mirthful after exams! But no, not this time. Probably because I am feeling too sick to even be happy anymore. But that was before the recess, before I ate the Panadols. After the pills I became as crazy as I normally was. If possible, even crazier. Haaaaa.

What the fuck my tummy is hurting like crap. No. Nooo I don't know what sort of pain it is I DON'T KNOW I just know it is freaking uncomfortable AND PAINFUL.

Aww. Juan Wen, thanks for the poisonous water you INSISTED on giving me! *grins*

Argh. I am so ... INFATUATED. (and sick)

Fine, I'll update SOON! Gonna watch movies now. Smooches! :)


craving chocolate kisses ..
8:37 PM