21 October 2009

BORING POST AHEAD!

Not in the mood to study. Then again, when was I ever in the mood to study?

I'm so distracted right now. What with the school's Speech Day coming up, the approaching exams, a mini performance three days before the finals, etc ...

I hope Chiew Na and Hsieh Ying can make it! I'm not sure if my parents approve or not. The many times I brought up the subject, they didn't give signs of disapproval. Which is good. But then they didn't exactly give a sign that they heard what I said either. So ... well, who cares. I'll just take that as a yes.

It was heartwrenching, the look on his face when we told him we might not be able to make it. I mean. We were so enthusiastic about it, and now all the uncertainty? Yeah. I would be upset (and not to mention, pissed) too if people treated me like that.

I really don't see the point to have a blog anymore. (it's okay, I'm not closing down my blog or anything, not that I think anyone actually gives a damn) I seldom update about random stuff, as in, random stuff with photos, anymore. I upload most of the photos in Facebook, and it seems sort of lame to post them again in my blog. There are some I didn't upload in Facebook, and I vowed to post them here as soon as I'm free, but in the end, I didn't. Sigh, I'm lousy like that.

I (kind of) see my blog as a 'person' I can confide in, since I seldom - which translates to : NEVER - really tell anybody how I feel inside. Right, I'm sure everyone can tell how I feel by judging on my facial expressions.

My friends might know how I am feeling - furious, sad, mirthful, etc - they just don't know why. And I never tell them. I'd very much like to do so, I just can't bring myself to do it. Everytime the words are on the tip of my tongue, alarms start to ring in my head, making me think twice. Should I really tell them? It's not that I don't trust them or that I think they'd treat me differently once I tell them the truth. It's just ... I don't think it's normal. I'm scared of ruining things.

Okay, maybe I'm just scared they'll think I'm pathetic. Uhm, maybe not pathetic, exactly. Mad, perhaps. Or ... I don't know how to say it. I'm sure you'll find it hard to tell them if it's you, too. I can't even describe the situation with "substitutes" like ...

Oh, I hate this dish of ... uh, escargots and would prefer to have oysters instead, but my parents are forcing me to eat them.

Which (TO ME) means that oh, I hate this escargotty-guy and am in love with this oyster (guy) instead but my parents are forcing me to marry that escargotty-guy.

Something like that. If you get what I mean.

I can't describe it because I think it's not that hard to figure it out, and I'm sure people will find out in like, ten seconds after reading the situation. They might not know who I'm talking about, but I think my friends (and the person I'm talking about) would know. So ... no. I can't say it.

I admire her (sigh, I can't say her name, which is precisely why I don't think there's any point in having a blog anymore) for her ability to tell people about how she feels - about stuff, about people. She's so ... bold. Arrgh why can't I be more like her? WHY?

Hmm, some people told me they find if hard to read my blog. Because I type in paragraphs, and there are so many words. That's exactly how I feel every time I visit THEIR blogs. Which are in Chinese, uggh. Headache.

I neeeeed a diary. Tell me where I can find nice ones! Ones that I would be .. uhm ... "wildly attracted" to and can't get past a day without writing in. Which, in other words, which I already mentioned above (which means that I did not have to write the "wildly attracted" to part. Or these in the bracket.) are NICE. Wow, I think I'm starting to get crazy (ier).

My brackets are annoying, I know. Must be the pressure from the coming finals. I keep glancing at the clock. Thinking, okay, I'm gonna start studying at 9 p.m. What time is it now? 10 p.m. I'm awesome! I know I'm doomed now (TRADITION! YAY!), but instead of trying to catch up right now, I'm still daydreaming about stuff that would never ever happen.

Why am I so dumb? Conflicts. I want ... escargots. But ... uh, I'm scared of hurting the poor oyster's feelings by not eating them. (To be honest, I hate both. Eew. Not that I have had the nerve to try them anyway. Looks too yucky. Maybe when I'm older and not too childish to judge things by their appearances.)

I want to tell someone! I don't want to keep it all inside anymore. But who to tell? Must be a person who doesn't know the people I'm going to talk about. It's better that way, I think. At least it won't be quite as awkward.

So ... I guess it's YL. I was sighing and wailing that day, so she asked what's wrong. Instead of telling her the truth, I told her I'm pregnant. Ha-ha. Never mind, it's a start.

I hate studying. Why, why did I ever choose Science over Art? I must be nuts. *shakes head wildly* I don't think I'd be very happy in the art stream either but at least I won't be this ... uh, stressed. This pressured. So many subjects (which I totally have no interest what-so-ever in, which you already know) to study, so many different types of things to memorise. Sheer torture.

I told my mom I'm giving up on Physics and Add Maths. The subjects she teaches! I'm such a cool daughter.

Okay. I really have to go study now. Even if I don't care that much anymore, my parents do. At least, I THINK they do. My dad already knows how much I dislike Science and how much I suck in Math. And my mom knows that I hate the subjects she likes. But I still think they care.

I am so irritating. Boo. And I'm not making much sense - as usual. Because I'm still dwelling on the escargots-and-oysters thoughts. Not nice.

I feel so lost. Just like a little girl. Who isn't really little anymore. It's awful. :(

P.S./ A kiss for the person who counts how many times I used the words "which, just, and __ (you tell me)". There is no correct answer. Hahaha. Sorry. Shut up.