15 October 2009

God, the thought is really depressing.

My BLOG is becoming depressing.

Sometimes things go so well. Too well, even. One moment I'm floating away in a glorious, shimmering bubble, and the next second, as if pricked by a needle, the bubble bursts, and I fall to the ground, fall back to reality, hard.

I find it so hard to accept the truth.

I tried to make myself stop believing, to stop hoping. Every time I thought I was close to succeeding, things changed. It changed. Or maybe I did.

I was this close to grasping the door handle at the top of the stairs - the door that would lead me to a whole new world, a world with less misery - when it appeared, and I slipped. I fell to the bottom, and I had to start climbing again.

I have to go through that door somehow.

I feel sick. I feel sick at my own peculiar behaviour. I feel sick at myself for holding on to things that don't really matter. I am sick of my emotions. I am sick of wasting my time. I'm sick of caring. If only I could not care.

I don't want to see it happening. I mean, right. It's not like I don't know what it's like. But still, I feel nauseous watching it. Those awful moments spread before me. I can't avoid it. I can't prevent it from happening.

What to do, what to do.

Sigh.

The finals are imminent. In two weeks or so. I should start studying now, even though it's already too late. The year is coming to an end. What will the future bring? Who knows? I think I really won't be in the same class as Rui Mei anymore! After 3 years. It's a horrid thought.

I should strive to get better results so that we can still be in the same class. But I just don't understand why I'm still not doing anything, just sitting here and expressing my feelings, whining about life.

I feel so old. In a year I'll be graduating. I'd be leaving the school, gladly, of course, but I'd also be leaving my friends. I was chatting with YL about this on Wednesday. It was just so nice to finally get to talk to her properly and not just hellos and goodbyes.

Okay, maybe not exactly properly, since I kept having these niggling worries that someone was going to barge in and I would get caught. Yes, I'm a scaredy cat like that. *rolls eyes*

Boo. I'm going to bed. Juan Wen told me I look exhausted (okay, she said tired, but exhausted sounds more dramatic, ha-ha), which I totally am. I have to go to school at 9 something tomorrow, for a meeting. Damn. Why can't they hold meetings during classes? Why?

I'll try not to think too much about it. I'll try to think about happy times, like the end-of-year holidays, which are rapidly approaching.

P.S./ Great. Rui Mei just told me she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow (doesn't necessarily mean that she ISN'T going, it's hard to tell with her). She wants to use up her letters. I would too, if I'm allowed to. Sadly, I'm not. Luckily Iris is going.