20 July 2009

I am such a horrible, horrible person.

I am sorry I ever said those things to you. I feel awful. I regretted saying those things the moment they escaped from my mouth.

And you. I feel even worse. I'm really really really sorry. :( Why do I always say all the wrong things? That makes me not much different from HER. The bitch. She doesn't think before she speaks. I didn't either. I apologize if I hurt you. Which I'm sure I did.

I never really thought about this much. But when I found out I hurt (I THINK I did) the people I truly love and care about, I finally started to feel bad. I am such an awesome person.

I feel so guilty. *bangs head on wall*

And why am I so freaking scared of humiliation? I shouldn't be. But I am. I appreciate every single thing everyone said to me that day, when I was being all dumb and paranoid (as usual). I don't know what to say anymore. Those people who were so nice to me. Teachers TA, LPL, CLS, etc. Lai Sheng. All my CO friends. My other friends. Thanks a bunch, for reassuring me over and over that there's absolutely nothing to fear about. That everyone in the whole world has totally varied tastes. That some people would appreciate what you do, and some (BITCH. FUCK YOU.) would just SHOW their disdain and be all snotty instead.

Yes. Bitch. I don't care how rude I am. YOU were also horribly rude and impolite to me. I know I am equally bad, to stoop to the same level as you. Sorry. I still think people who treats someone badly deserve the same treatment themselves.

Which makes me think. I hurt someone. That someone should hurt me as well. Why shouldn't she? I sort of hope she does. THEN I'll know what it feels like.

I think we are so alike. The two of us are clearly the type of people whom other people should never get to the wrong side of. (That, is another weird sentence. I can't think, I can't concentrate. Sorry.)

UGGGH. Bitch. BITCH. I normally don't dwell on things of the past. *cough* NORMALLY. This is an exception. I am too pissed. It wasn't just M & I. Apparently SOME other people got the same treatment. From you. So they ask me to not care about what you said, because it's just completely pointless. Fine. I accept the fact that I'll never quite live up to your expectations. Who actually can? We are just STUDENTS for God's sake. Stop asking so much of us.

Even the best of us make mistakes sometimes. Nobody's perfect. Don't ACT like you never did any wrong. I am sure you did. All the time. Just like all of us. It's ... nature?

AND YOUR ATTITUDE (yes I know, I KNOW I AM EQUALLY BAD but shut up let me just continue, this is the only way to deal with my anger my wrath my FURY)!!! What, is the fucking point of scowling and glaring at innocent people? WHAT?! Okay, I don't deny that I wasn't the innocent one. But what about them? Why glare at them?

Ugggh. I don't think I have been this rude before. Trust me, I never treat people I really detest with respect. If I do, it means I don't REALLY loathe them. I might feel a tiny bit of hatred towards them. Just a tiny bit.

Fine. END of all nonsense here. Because first. I can't really express my feelings. I still think my English sucks. Second. I want to edit the school concert photos. Third. It's a waste of breath. I am perfectly aware of that. But I still can't refrain myself from adding some nasty things about you. Damn. I really am horrible. When it comes to you.

And ....

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I don't deserve all your kindness. I really don't.

**I especially want to thank Teacher TA. She was (is) sooo nice to me. "You can only speak normally around someone you feel comfortable with". Makes so much sense. Seeing that I am able to speak (more) normally around her and not around YOU. Eeek. I was at a constant loss for words while speaking to you.

I will never ever forget what you said to me while I was backstage. Thanks a lot. :)

(Eh sorry for the weird English. Arrgh how can I improve my English? Why do I suck in everything? I am such a sucky person. Eeeeee.)