7 May 2009

(This is a long, sentimental post. Just warning you.)

My luck went steadily downhill from the moment I stepped into class.

Hey, guess what?

History repeated itself! *feigns look of astonishment*

Guess who the Malay teacher called again for the oral thing? Yes, ME! Surprise, surprise. Oh wait. I shouldn't be! This has happened before! Twice, no less!

#%!*^&!@$#%

Same old, same old. SHE called Qiao Yun (no. 27), and QY didn't prepare for it. That was her second time too. Her second zero. Just like me, a few weeks ago. Sigh. *pitying look*

Then, SHE called the innocent, unsuspecting ME (no.28).

Why? Are those two numbers the only available numbers in class? I can easily list out at least 5 people who have never been called out for this thing before. Why must she call us so many times (THRICE IN MY CASE)??

WHAT THE FUCK.

Okay, so maybe it was (slightly) better than the last two times. I didn't get a zero, although it was probably a number dangerously close to zero, because I can see her not very nice (ie. raised eyebrows, frowns, puzzled yadda yadda) expression clearly from where I was standing.

*Found out today [8.5.2009] that I got a four. Four marks out of ten. FOUR!! *#$&*%

I was so freaking nervous (not to mention x100 times more pissed) already and still I had to stubbornly glance at her and look at her expression. Which made me even more nervous. And pissed, of course. Couldn't she see that I was nervous enough already? Couldn't she keep her (negative) thoughts to herself and not have them etched so clearly on her face? Arghh.

*The upside : I got 28 marks for my actual Malay oral test. Yay.

Actually, I thought she was going to do the short story today. I think many other people ... uh, MISINTERPRETED her meanings and read the short story too. (SEE? EXACTLY THE SAME KIND OF THING HAPPENED LAST TIME. THIS SUCKS.) Only when she came into class did I find out that we were doing the novel.

Will this never end?

*The downside : I found out that even though I had done the "not-the-actual-oral-test test", there is a possibility SHE will call me again. Yay. Because we have to do that thing not only once, but a few times.

******

Besides the above, something else happened today too. Made me downright upset, although I didn't really show it. At least, I don't think I did. But what's the point of acting all poised and keeping up the I-don't-give-a-damn attitude? Really?

I told many people about this, because I really couldn't stand the turmoil going on in my head.

Okay, so this was what happened.

My Chinese teacher announced to the whole class (might as well be the whole world) that my Chinese essay-writing standard is ... well, how do you put it? Not at all up to the Form 4 standard. That I still write like a Form 1/2/3 student. IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS. Hello, unnecessary?

I know. I couldn't have made it any clearer : I FUCKING HATE CHINESE.

And I can't be bothered to read Chinese things. They give me an almighty headache. I'm starting to read the newspaper now, but not the Chinese newspaper. I don't read Chinese books. I seldom listen to Chinese songs. I'm basically anti-Chinese. But I speak Chinese, because I have been speaking the language since I was young and it's not easy to change it now.

If he wants me to improve/turn over a new leaf/destroy my prejudice against Chinese/change my opinions about Chinese/etc, he didn't have to fucking do it in front of the whole class. That was so mean.

EVEN MY SISTER AGREES, and it is not very often my sister agrees with me on this kind of thing.

And if those really were his intentions, I can only say : FUTILITY. Mission failed. If he genuinely thought that being blunt with me will make me improve, then he was wrong.

He made me feel even more hopeless about Chinese. Whatever tiny ember of hope in me, that my Chinese will one day improve even just a little, I can honestly say it disappeared.

I don't deny that I really, really suck in Chinese, I write extremely lousy essays, and my Chinese vocabulary is like a toddler's. Worse than a toddler's, maybe. It's the truth. But I still don't get it. Why must he say it in front of the whole class? He was so ... blunt. It was like a knife, plunging deep into my heart. (Cue applause. How dramatic.)

It was like I wasn't even there, the way he said it.

Like I said, if my English teacher said that to me I'd probably just burst into tears and kill myself. Because it's a subject that I actually like, no matter how much I suck at it.

Now, I am totally determined to improve my English (Ee Leng, talk to me!! T.T). I don't want to be a useless person anymore. I don't want to suck at every subject. Malay is impossible. I had known for ages that Chinese is impossible, but he made it worse. English is my only hope. I don't SUCK terribly at it like Malay or Chinese, but I'm not good at it either. Sighh.

My sister said HE used to be more subtle, he just said SOME people did _____. He didn't mention any names.

And worse still, I have another lousy Chinese essay in his hands. He hasn't marked it yet. It was written months ago, and I remembered how I almost fell asleep writing it. It was even lousier than this one, much much much lousier. Since I hadn't known the "Form 1/2/3 standard writing skills" thing at that time.

I am dreading his reaction. I am dreading how he'd humiliate me this time. Announce it in front of the other classes? I don't know.

I want to cry.

Help me, somebody.

******

I miss my Form 3 days so much. Things were much easier back then. I was much happier, much more carefree. I miss the times I had with my CO friends back in December. That was honestly one of the happiest times of my life. (Screw that. It was probably THE happiest time of my life.) I wish I could reverse and stop time.

I wish .... I wish for so many things.

But what really happens?